Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 13

13.Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, Who, Befouled by the Wicked Taint of Rat Suck, must(prenominal) Find Her Own MurdererHow could I arrest kn light upon in that my own tragic failure karma would r severall(a)y go forth its slimy tentacles and engeeken my heroic Foo beyond the limits of our w make believee-hot romance?Kayso, I was major freaked ab appear the grasps al around bes tow the Countess and I needed to unburden on Foo, which I didnt cook a chance, cause, as soon as I re gimmicked to the get along lair, I ran into the blow of Foos arms, and rode him gently to the floor where I French-kissed him until he kinda gagged in ecstasy. and so he only if threw me faecescelled him, desire I was a cakehole of Bubblicious with every the licious chewed break of it.So hes care, Not now, Abby. We deem a crisis.You b come forward to shake a crisis, nerdslice-I go in my close au pasttic hip-hop hood-ho accent-crisis of my step forwardpouring heel in your man marble s.And he wholly ignores my hurt feelings and is identical, J atomic number 18d, get the door She left the door openSo Jargond goes al unitedly stumbling cross behaviors the loft to the door, and Im all, Youre stretching start my boots.And Jared is all, Rat murkiness Rat stupor Rat confuseAnd Im all, Dont call me confess fog, bitch. Who held your hair when you drank that whole bottle of crme de menthe and hurled green for an hour?And Foos like, Abby, look. All pointing to the minuscular tensile cages on the java table, which are kind of empty, then at this steam thats running approximately the outside of the means and blowing out from under the fridge in the kitchen and novelty.And Im, Splain, sil vous plat.And Foos all, The tushs came call down as flirtyres at dusk. And Jared and I were black marketing them with the blood that Jody left, by choice their trivial water bottles. simply then when we round of golfed around, the ones we were just about(predicat e) to feed were out of their cages. And then we saw many of the cages were til now streaming fog out, and the fog was going for the blood bags.And they bite, goes Jared.Yeah, they bite, goes Foo. And he pulls up his pant pin and shows me where hes been bitten like a dozen times.And Im like, You cant go vamp without me.And hes all, No, Id founder to have some of their blood in me, and I was railcareful not to scour get any on me. accordingly all of a abrupt theres a stream of mist coming up my boot (I was draining my red Docs) and a low head sorbs to appear out of it. therefore Foo snags a lawn tennis racket from, like, out of nowhere and smacks the rat head, which goes passing across the way and hits the wall, trailing like a comet tail of mist.I know A tennis racket. WTF?So Im all, Where did you get a tennis racket? Is that a secret thing with you?Missing the point, sings Jared, like Im whole missing the point. Hello? We need to be freaked out that theyre going to ob literate us, Nurse Oblivious.And right then the mist exits taking form over again and coming at me, and Foo bats another half-mist rat across the path.So Im all, Okay, cheeseparing point. What are we going to do? And I, like, gesture at the liberation on my sun jacket, because Foo has replaced the battery, which is out of a laptop, and Im ready to toast some rodents.And Foos all, No, not yet. We have to presage out a focus to convey them. I need to turn them keystone to rats. And I have to figure out how this mist is manifesting. I mean, technically, its not possible.And Im like, You mean its magic?I mean Ive never make up heard of anything like it in nature. the like magic.Hes like, Theres no such thing as magic.Im like, The Countess said it was magic.Hes like, My grandmother imagines the cook is magic.So Im all, Its not?And Foos all, Magic is determine erudition we dont understand yet.So Im all, Told you.And he like sighs all heavy and does his exasperated science side of meat at me, and hes like, We have to get them back in their cages. They cant feed when they are in mist form, so we just need to get them aliment and then we can catch them and put them in the cages.And Im like, Can you desire that Tommy couldnt learn to turn to mist in five weeks and your rats did it, like, overnight? He must be a total tard.Or we have maven rats, goes Jared, just as Foo is tennis racketing another rat head wrap up his leg.So Im all, Nope, I dont think thats it. Why dont you just put out a little dish of blood and when they turn solid to drinkable it you can just tennis racket them into a box?We time-tested that. They figured it out, goes Foo.And Jareds all, See. Genius rats.Then, to Foo, Im all, He has a thing for rats.Foos like, Yeah. I got that. They turn back to solid when exposed to UV light, similarly, moreover then they start burning.Then Jareds like, Once, when Lucifer 2 got stuck in a drain tube in our garage, we sucked him out with my dads crap Vac.And Foos like, Thats it. We can suck them up with a Shop Vac.So Im like, That go out just blow the mist out the other side?I can put a unfeignedly weak UV guide in the barrel of the Shop Vac. possibly that will be enough to turn them solid without burning them. Ill investigate a little while youre gone.And Im all, Foo, you know it pisss me hot when you talk all nerdy, but what do you mean, while Im gone?And hes all, To get the Shop Vac. We dont have a Shop Vac.So I look at Jared, all wobbly-assed on my Skankenstein boots, so hes useless, and Im like, Well, Im not dragging a Shop Vac back on the bus or the F car. Give me your car keys.And Foos, like, cosmic OH NOEZ mouth and anime eyes, like, Whaaaaa?And Im like, Unless you really do lamb your car more(prenominal)(prenominal) than me.And hes like, Kay. And hands them over. Which, as it turns out, was really poor judgment on his part.to a greater extent L8z. Gotta jet. The tow truck is here.Kayso, it turns out that driving an actual car is look harder than it is in Grand Theft Auto Zombie Hooker Smackdown. fifty-fifty though there was unaccompanied, like, minor damage, it could have been totally avoided if you didnt have to strip so much. Everything was broad(a) going to get the Shop Vac, because I only utilise first and second gear. It was coming al-Qaida, when I started feeling self-confident and decided to see if there was a third gear, that it went kind of wrong. Still, all the shrieking and crying on Foos part was kind of over-emo, considering that after(prenominal) the tow truck lowered the Honda, you couldnt even see any damage if you didnt creep under and look at where the fire hydrant had sort of rearranged a join of wiry-looking things. And Hondas are totally waterproof for the most part, so no spoiledgie, right?So, it was like this-I drive totally ninja all the way to the Ace Hardware in the Castro, but I didnt park because it involves endorse up, which is not i n my skill set. So Im, like, double-parked, and I run in and this crusty guy behind the counter is all, You cant park there.And Im like, Fuck off, butt-munch, I have a guy.Kayso, I find my gay builder bottle cork guy, and hes all, Darling, how are you? Fab bootsAnd Im like, Thanks, I like your apron. I need a Shop Vac.And hes all, What size?And Im like, It needs to hold about a coulomb rats.And hes all, Girlfriend, we need to party or go shop and dish.And Im, like, totally flattered, because shopping is a sacred thing to gay guys, but I blockage on mission, and Im all, In red, if you have it. Because red is the new black and because it will match my Docs.And so were going to the Shop Vac section, Bob is like, So, hows the off headmaster?And Im all, Oh, hes gone. He tried to tear out my jugular vein, so the Countess threw him out the window and it hurt his feelings.So Bob pats my shoulder and goes, Men. What are you gonna do? Hell be back. The drill worked okay, though?And Im li ke, Oh yeah. We got him out, but he broke two his legs because he was kind of eager.Then Bob gets all protective Daddy-voice on me and is like, Safety word, sweetheart. Everyone needs a safety word.So Im all, Kay.Then Builder Bob back ups me get my Shop Vac into the car, because it turns out that it takes a vacuum big enough to sleep inside to suck up a snow rats. Kayso, then I drove and that thing happened with the car and the toss offs came and they were all, You dont have a license and youre not allowed to drive on the sidewalk, blah, blah, oh my God my insipid cop life is so boring I should just eat my gun, bluster, blah, blah.And Im all, Chill, cops. margin call my cop minions Rivera and Cavuto, sil vous plat. They will confirm that I am on a secret cop mission and should not be fucked with by touching day dwellers like yourselves. Then I presented them with Riveras card, which I whipped out of my messenger bag like it was my badge of badassness.So cop one, who is in be ar down because he has the car keys, is all, Ill check this out, wait here while I go make radio noises in the car like a humongous loser while my wife is home boning some big stud-muffin.Im paraphrasing.And in like two minutes, up pulls Rivera and Cavuto, and they have a drop behind now. His name is Marvin, and hes trs cute. Hes all red, and like a Doberman or something badass, but he totally likes me and his little stubby tail was wagging and I let him drink some of the hydrant water out of my hand, and he did, even though there was plenty of water everywhere, but I guess it tasted like street and whatnot.So Im like, Hey, Rivera, tell these douche waffles that you and the ass bear are my bitches.And Rivera is all concerned quiet cop voice, She has mental problems.Head soil caused Tourettes syndrome, goes Cavuto.Well handle this from here, goes Rivera.So I got to ride in the back of the cop car with Marvin and the Shop Vac. It was really crowded and Marvin was all doggie licky l ove face, so my makeup was trs fucked up by the time we got to the loft.So Im all, Marvin loves me good long time, cops.And Cavutos all, Figures, hes a cadaver dog.And Im all, Sure, just make up things to make yourself sound cooler.And Riveras like, Out. Tell your boyfriend we need our jackets ASAP. And after you de red-hotr the message, go home. Youre supposed to be at your mothers house.Kayso, they neglectful me on the sidewalk with my Shop Vac and drove off. I could see little tears of doggie desperation in Marvins eyes.So I text Foo that I need help getting the Shop Vac up the stairs and he comes down just as the tow truck pulls up, so all the crying and the screaming happens, and Foo is totally inconsolable, even when I offered him a hand job, which is really the trump I could do on the sidewalk with people going by and whatnot, but I was rejected, proving, I think, that he really does love his car more than me.So its like, Oh noez And an inky-colored despair of rejection en veloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.I needed to mope and grieve for my baffled innocence, but no. We had to fix the vacuum so it would suck vampy rat fog and turn it into vampy rat chunks. So while Foo wired science stuff into the Shop Vac, I had to get Jared down off the kitchen counter, where he had decided to stand and chuck a major spaz because he hit his rat fog tolerance level.And Jareds all, Get them off me Get them off me And hes swinging the tennis racket around like a friggin windmill, when the rat fog isnt anywhere near him, but running around the edges of the room like a steamy baseboard.And Im all, You must chill, Spunk Monkey, my boots are prick the counters.Which Jared takes as his cue to start screaming like a little girl. (When Lily and I were going through our Gothic Lolita fashion phase, which we both abandoned later, me because Id just gotten my lip ring and I kept dribbling lattes on my lacy parts, and Lily because ruffles ma de her ass look huge, we used to go to majuscule Square Park and practice our horrified little-girl screams, but even without practice, Jared was way better than either of us ever was. I think mayhap its his asthma. Me and Lily could pown him at creepy staring, though.)Anyway, I was just glad that Jody took his dagger remote from him, because someone could have lost an eye if he was still prop on to it when I swept his feet out from under him with the same stainless-steel torchiere lamp that the Countess had used on Tommy. (Although it was kind of bent now.)And hes all, Ow, ow, ow.And Im all, Your cross-dressing sissy-man kung-fu is no match for my superior abode lighting kung-fu.And he whines like, Im going home. You hurt me. You suck. This sucks. I have to go have family dinner-with my family-and Im going to school tomorrow so you can just fuck off and die, Abby Normal.And Im like, Fine, give me my boots.And hes like, Fine.And Im like, Fine.And it would have been way better if he could have just stormed out right then, but it took us about a half hour to get my boots off of him, with me sitting in the sink and him on the counter, guarding me with the tennis racket, because it turned out that I have a picturesque low tolerance for rat fog seek to bite me, too.Kayso, we got my boots off of Jared and he decided to stay and help because it turns out that even a stream of biting rat fog is more fun than family dinner. So Foo had the Shop Vac all scienced up with sunlight LEDs and whatnot and he turns it on and starts sucking in the mist with most awesome suckage. (Gay Builder Bob rocks hardware) And its so cool, because we can see the fog go in-then we can hear the thump as the sun LED turns the rats to solid again and they hit the inside of the plastic drum.And Foo is all squall over the motor, We may have to unload and put them in their boxes ahead we get too many. We dont want to open this and try to deal with a hundred rats.And Im all, Why dont we jus t leave them in there until dawn and then theyll all be asleep?And Foo looks at me, all surprised, and Im like, exclude up. I can be smart and hawt.And hes all, Kay, which I dont know whether he meant sarcastically, or that I couldnt be smart, or that I wasnt hawt. solely I never found out, because right then the Shop Vac starts making this, foof-thoop splat noise, and Jared lets loose with his little-girl scream.And it turns out that the exhaust of the Shop Vac is blowing vampy rats out the back side, which is the foof-thoop noise, and displace them against the wall, which is the splat. And with every one, Jared is eeking. So its like, Foof-thoopsplat-eek Foof-thoop-splat-eek Foof-thoop-splat-eek I know It would make a totally cool industrial beat for a dance groove. But I didnt sample it because there was stuff happening.And Foo is all, Pick them up and put them in their boxes. Seal them with duct tape measure.Cause it turns out that vampy rats are pretty durable, and after the y splat and slide down the wall, they are starting to pull themselves together again and sort of limp away, but slow enough to catch. But theyre still all squishy and whatnot.So Jared and I just turn to Foo and give him our best, Bitch, enliven, look.So Foos all, Okay, then, you work the hose.And Im all, Sure, now you want me to work your hose-And hes all, Abby, pleaseUp until then I sentiment Foo was the most chill love ninja in the Bay Area, but it turns out that if his science gets a little sideways he goes to pieces. So I take the hose and start doing the rat suck, while Foo finds some rubber gloves and a spatula to scrape up the splatter pets.Then Jared gets the idea of shooting the rats right into their little plastic cages, which, as it turns out, kind of works after we blast a couple of them through the plastic and he starts holding the boxes against a pillow he tapes on the wall. And Foo starts duct taping on the lids before the vamp rats can pull themselves together.Then Im all, You know, if we could use this to shoot tiny dogs at the vamp kitties, wed be finished with this nonsense in a day or two.And Foo and Jared both roll their eyes at me like Im high or something, when they are the ones sealing in mashed rats for freshness. Kayso, by, like, midnight, we have all the rats boxed again, and most of them are kind of fixed, but some of them are still pretty fucked up from the flight, and Jared is all, Im going home. I have issues.Which I know credibly means that he is going to go home and break the intelligence service to Lucifer 2 that they are no longer BFFs because Jared has lost his rodent woodwind forever due to our night of rat carnage, which is a good thing, I guess.Then Foo is like, I have to go, too. I have to meet with my academic advisor in the morning, and I have to prepare, then I have work in the afternoon.And Im all, You can prepare here.And Foos like, I dont think I can. And he looks away.I was going to tell him that I had decided to become a creature of the night, but they were bailing on me, so I was all, Fine. You two run along. Ill stay here.And Foo was like, Wait until dawn, then give each of them a water bottle of blood. Theyll heal. But make sure you tape their cages back up so they cant escape. Blah, blah, biology, science, behavior, science word, science word, blah, blah.So I kissed him like it was the last time, and went into the bedroom to lie down and wait until dawn, but there was like this huge maze made out of wood on our bed, so I went back out into the living room and chilled with the rats on the futon until dawn. I couldnt sleep anyway, because I was thinking of all the people I was totally going to get revenge on when I was nosferatu, after I found Jody and Tommy and rescued them, of course.Kayso, like the Terminator (the molten one, not the one that was governor), I will rise from the wreckage of my own all-metal spooge to conquer all who oppose me. I know what I have to do. When Foo is at work, and Jared is at school, I shall use the blood that is blessed with the dark gift and become nosferatu. So suck it, bitchesKayso, at dawn, when all the rats stop scrambling around in their little cages, I found one of the syringes that Tommy had gotten from the goad exchange program when he was pretending to be a junky, and I drew blood from the most healthy vamp rat we had. Then I had to decide to drink it or inject it, and after a while, I decided to inject it, which it turns out works just like in the movies and hurts way less than getting your eyebrow pierced.So then I lay down and waited for the vamping to come on. I thought about Foo, riding the BART all the way back to his parents house in the Sunset instead of staying with me, and how that was kind of an assbag move on his part. And I thought of our time together, over six weeks, and how it would be hard on him when I was a superior creature of unspeakable evil and supernatural beauty. And I thought that maybe the Countess and Flood and I might have to live together in a mnage trois, and Foo and Jared might have to be our bug-eating minions, like Renfield in Dracula, except Foo would still have his fly manga hair and I would do him occasionally out of pity.And I cried a little, over the qualifying of my humanity and whatnot, because I realized that as soon as I was done saving Tommy and Jody, and enslaving Foo and Jared, I was going to sneak into Mr. Snavelys living room one night-come in as mist under the door-then form into my most awesome alabaster naked badassness and freak him completely the fuck out for failing me in Biology, and that it would be kind of an inhuman thing to do. And as I grieved, I fell into the deep sleep of the undead.I know. Trs awesome.But no Now Im awake, and its still light out, and the vamp rats are still out and I dont have super powers and my evil is still totally speakable. Fucksocks I forgot, I have to die before I change. I looked all over for that potassiu m chloride stuff that Foo said they killed the rats with, but all I found was the hammer, and I was all, I dont think so. So I went up to Market Street and thought Id throw myself in nominal head of a bus, but then, what if they left my embody out in the sun and I burned up? So that was out. So then I was like, Oh, duh, cut your wrists? But it hurt like holy fuck, so I only kind of cut one wrist a little bit, and I bled for like a half hour and I wasnt even light-headed, so I was all, Fuck this fun-free circus, I need an accomplice.So I called the suicide hotline.And Im all, I need help.And the guy is all, Whats your name?And Im all, You dont have caller-out ID? What kind of lame hotline is this?And hes all, It says here that your name is Allison. Are you okay, Allison?And Im all, No, Im not okay. Im concern the suicide hotline.And hes all, You dont want to commit suicide, Allison.And Im all, Exactly, doofasaurus, I need someone to take me out. I need it to be quick, private, pa inless, and it shouldnt fuck up my hair too much.And hes like, But theres so much to live for.So Im like, Youre burning my minutes, fuckstick. I need a number for a hit man or one of those Kevorkian doctors.And hes all, I cant help you with that.So Im all, Loser And I offed my phone.I cant believe it, but it turns out that the Motherbot was right. Sometimes, the only people you can swear are family. (Scuse me, I barely suppressed a rainbow yawn when I typed that.) So here I am, waiting for my little sister, Ronnie, to get home from school so she can murder me, then hide my body under the bed until I return as the true schoolmistress of the Greater Bay Area Dark. This will be my last creation as a mortal. I have to go pick out an ensem for my death.I wonder how shell do it? It better be painless or the first thing on my undead to-do list will be to open a bottle of Whoop-Ass P.M. on little sister.